Tesco has extraordinary business nous. I had no idea that anyone would want to buy a home pole-dancing kit. Apparently, they do. Well, this product has caused a stink. Adrian Rogers, the “family-values” campaigner, had this to say of the latest threat to childhood innocence, civilisation etc.
Children are being encouraged to dance round a pole which is interpreted in the adult world as a phallic symbol. It ought to be stopped, it really requires the intervention of members of Parliament. This should only be available to the most depraved people who want to corrupt their children.
I like the idea of setting up a register of depraved people who are allowed to buy pole-dancing kits and the like. Perhaps, the list could be overseen by a bureaucratic body (let’s call it PervCom) which could spend its time deciding what goods or services were suitably depraved. Given strong enough powers, it could save children’s innocence from the pernicious influence of folk-dancers who want to groom children into dancing around maypoles.
Or better still. We could set up a register of self-styled, self-appointed family-values campaigners who will be banned from having contact with lazy, quote-hungry Daily Mail journalists.
This leaves Devil’s Kitchen uncharacteristically confused:, asking
Doesn’t this read rather weirdly? I mean, this is the way that I see it happening…
[The scene: a checkout in Tesco. A woman hands over her home pole-dancing kit.]
Checkout Girl: “Excuse me, madam; do you have any children?”
CG:“Do you want to corrupt your children?”
C:“No, no, certainly not. It’s for my private…”
CG: “I’m sorry, madam, but I’m afraid that I cannot sell you this pole-dancing kit. You see, they’re only for people who want to corrupt their children.”
I don’t know what Rachel’s going to make of it all, I’m sure.
This reminds me of when my late wife decided she was going to take one of the wonderful Jo King’s striptease classes (she’s the ‘terminally ill woman’ mentioned in Jo’s article); we were sworn to complete secrecy about what was then the location of Jo’s private studio, not — as I naively thought — because Jo was worried about peeping Toms but because it was several hundred yards away from a school and she was terrified that if the Daily Mail found out they’d be unable to resist the temptation to kick up such a fuss she’d have to move.
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