Osama Obama, Clinton and all the other US presidential candidates. I’ve discovered, courtesy of a link in Andrew Sullivan to Respectful Insolence, the chap who, by rights, should walk it: Jonathon Sharkey, a.k.a. ‘The Impaler’.
Mr Sharkey announced his candidacy thus on December 13:
Greetings My Fellow Americans and Media,You know me as the Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre and Hecate Witch who on Friday the 13th of January this year announced my candidacy for Governor of Minnesota.
Though I fully sought and desired to help the people of Minnesota as their Governor, an evil from my past, even more evil that I am and can ever be, attacked me. This ended my quest for Governor.
In the world today, there are many evil people. Most are wolves in Christian Sheep clothing. The biggest is sitting in The Oval Office. King George “Worthless” Bush as I call him. He is in my eyes the main reason for the tragedy that occurred here on 9-11. Unlike when Ronald Reagan was President, our enemies don’t fear America or the President.
Our country is no longer looked upon with admiration, but as a joke. Why is our great country a joke?
Because the 3 presidents since Reagan, have been either; spineless, greedy, skirt chasing, and not to mention; lying hypocrites of their oaths of office.
A prime example of this; is recently when Valenzuela President Chavez while speaking at the UN mocked Bush, by calling him “the Devil.” Personally, I consider calling Bush the devil an insult upon my God. Chavez also went on to belittle our country. I challenge Chavez the next time he comes to America, to belittle my country in front of me. If he does, Chavez better have plenty of good doctors around, to put him back together again.
His election platform has a strong emphasis on law and order and the war against terror. He explains,
Like Vlad Tepes impaled the invading Muslim Turks in his day, I will follow his example of dealing with homeland enemies along with criminals and IMPALE Osama bin Laden, the al-Qaeda (in pig skin), all foreign and domestic (KKK, COS, NOI) terrorists, along with violent criminals. […]Additionally, I will Impale my personal enemies. You read this correctly. I will brutally Impale those people who are my enemies, for what they have done to me. Just like Vlad did to his personal enemies, I will take personal revenge. This will also allow me to develop new ways of not only Impaling terrorists and criminals, but use my personal revenge as a deterrent to make terrorists and criminals re-think any ideas of attacking an American.
I will also use my Presidential Death Dealers to carry out orders of execution, as well as bring to me those sentenced to be IMPALED.
If I allow the people who have attacked me and violated my rights to go unpunished, I will look weak in the eyes of terrorists and criminals. However, if I viciously punish them for the world to see, it will send a clear message to not only terrorists and criminals, but to anyone who would consider attacking me and/or my loved ones (wife, children, family members and friends).
Who, you may ask, are the Presidential Death Dealers? You can find out by clicking the link, but they clearly aren’t folks with whom to mess. They are, I see, recruiting at the moment:
Their mission is to serve America, and protect Americans from any and all acts of terrorism, criminal deeds, and bring justice to the unjust.
VICTORY IS THE BIRTH RIGHT OF THE VAMPYRE. Under my Administration, with the assistance of this elite group of Vampyres, all Americans will enjoy victory. Victory over terrorism and criminals.
Anyone from the Vampyre Community believes they have what it takes to become a Death Dealer, please email: death_dealers@theimpalerforpresident
High on the impaling list is, of course,
KING GEORGE “WORTHLESS” BUSH [who] will be tried and then convicted for the needless and senseless deaths of our servicewomen and men. I will preside over the trial and then IMPALE him for his negligent homicides. While Bush is IMPALED, I vow to drink his BLOOD!
Others include Dick Chaney, Donald Rumsfeld, Fidel Castro (assuming he’s still alive, of course)
MIKE TYSON – I’ll beat his ass in the ring, then IMPALE that rapist drug using BITCH!
O.J. Simpson – He may have avoided life in prison, but I will make him pay for his actions of murdering Nicole Brown Simpson and her boyfriend.
However, he does have other policies, of course:
I will have my “Death Dealers” take every Speedway [Indiana] Police Officer (the following day, I will do the same thing to the Los Angeles Police Department) and right in front of their police station, execute them. Then hang their bodies from street lights in Speedway. This should send a clear message to not only criminals, but to corrupt law enforcement what will happen to you, if you and/or your fellow officers abuse their power.After dealing with the Speedway Police Department, my “Death Dealers” and I will go to the Marion County Prosecutor’s Office, and bring out ALL of their prosecutors, place them against the building wall, and just like the Speedway Police they will be executed. I will let their blood pour down Ohio Street. It is my hope, that their executions will send a message to every prosecutor in America, that if you abuse your power, and repeatedly violate an American’s rights, you and/or your fellow prosecutors will meet with the same fate. One American wrongly locked up in jail for one day, is one American too many.
Despite this emphasis on law and order he does, in fact, have a variety of populist social policies (including free prescriptions and raising the minimum wage).
He’s also, commendably, in my view, though this may be a problem with some of the core Republican vote, very much in favour of same-sex marriages:
I will not only allow same-sex marriages, but since I am an Ordained Satanic Dark Priest, I will perform same-sex marriages at The White House at least once a month. I will amend the US Constitution to allow anyone who truly love each other to be married. That means, same-sex couples will have their marriages protected by our Constitution.