Not Saussure

June 4, 2007

Don’t try this at home

Filed under: Uncategorized — notsaussure @ 9:17 pm

Via Boing Boing.

Chap in America –where else — buys a taser as a present for his wife. He thinks to himself,

if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “No possible waaay!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..I’m sitting there alone, [my cat,] Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it Master.” Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad….I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and … HOLY MOTHER ..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION…@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, do it again!”

Update: Boing Boing have now updated their story with the warning it may be apocryphal. Here’s Snopes’ take on it. Made me laugh, though, true or not.

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